Weight Loss From the Inside/Out

Total: Down 53 lbs*

Halfway there!

*Start weight January 2017 – 225lbs (lost 10 lbs)
*Began new program in Feb 2017 – 215 lbs

I have finally found the plan that works for me! This has been a life long struggle but I have finally healed my wounds from the inside/out and the scale, my appetite and my attitude towards it are finally showing the change.

I have spent most of my life battling my weight. I began putting it on as a child as a response to sexual abuse and I began UNWILLINGLY to take it off at the age of 11 when my parents forced me to join a Nutri-System program. I starved that year while they taunted me with “normal food” and then punished me severely when I slowed down and hit eventual plateaus. The abuse continued throughout and got worse as the weight fell off so I put it back on as soon as I hit THEIR goal weight. I got the strong message that I wasn’t good enough no matter what my size but being thin = more abuse. The heavier I was, the safer I was. The verbal abuse I received from classmates throughout my school years was still better than the abuse I suffered when the weight was gone so I settled into my “normal”. I graduated High School and finally found the courage to say, “Enough is enough.” I left and didn’t look back. It was a struggle but in a different way. All of a sudden my body size was no longer the main focus; making enough money to eat was and I was happier than I’d ever been. I didn’t leave the abuse behind but the type of abuse and the abuser changed.

I was no longer running from an abuser but I was still suffering from it. I was abusing myself. I knew I was hurting my body every time I overindulged but I never consciously thought about it. I knew I was running the risk of shortening my life but it just didn’t matter in the moment. I was fat and happy for the first time in my life so I didn’t view what I was doing as abuse. I really started enjoying food because it leveled out my moods, was always there when I needed it and allowed me to no longer pay attention to my size. I became the victim to my own abuse and it continued for many years because of low self esteem. I truly didn’t believe I deserved better.

This worked until I began working through my abuse and its effects 8 years ago. I did some really thorough self inventory, dug through all my closets, tossed out the old bones, swept out the cobwebs and swam through all the muck until I could see all sides of me. I finished in 2011 and for the first time in my entire life, I felt clean on the inside. I began to look at the outside and really felt the weight of my past every time I glanced in the mirror. I could feel the scars that my clothes covered and they weighed heavier on my newly cleaned soul than they ever did on the scale.

This is when I began my weight loss journey. Since then, I have tried numerous programs, tricks, diets and fads. I have yo-yoed back and forth, tried shaming techniques, group-help, self-help, trainers and 24 hr gyms. I have starved, binged, stalled and backslide down numerous milestones. This is the first time I have tried loosing weight from the inside/out and I have to say, it’s working.

I had to deal with the reasons before I could address the effects but then I STILL had to find the right program for me. I have given up and started over more times than I can count but each attempt brought me closer to finding what works for me. I have looked to many, many others and asked, “show me how to do this,” but it took me actually finding it for myself through success and failure to figure it out. No one can show me. I have to find my way.

I have settled into the combination that works for me. A supportive spouse who is more interested in my internal work than my outward appearance and helps me with my self talk daily, a schedule that allows for plenty of sleep, a diet that has moderate protein, low fat, low carbs and low calories, living our dreams and exploring the USA, tithing to the person/place that feeds me Spiritual food, setting goals, dreaming on a weekly basis and getting on purpose with my life by not just talking about my passion but stepping out to do it too.

So for everyone who has asked and wants to know how I am doing this I now can say, “I found my way by losing weight from the inside/out.”

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