And the tears wouldn’t stop…

Just days after we decided we could actually live our dreams and travel the country, a strange thing happened that neither of us could explain.

We were excited. Or, rather, we WANTED to be excited. But, we weren’t. Or maybe it was more like, we were excited, but we were afraid to show it. The excitement scared us. But, we weren’t sure why.

I seemed to be afraid that if I showed excitement, the things we had just manifested might all be taken away from us. Or I felt guilty for living my dream while others weren’t getting to do the same.

I felt that by living my dream I was somehow hurting others.

That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. But, it was real. There was a real hesitancy to get excited.

It wasn’t just me, I could see it in Lizabeth too. We were both afraid to feel, and show, our excitement. Almost like it was too good to be true or something.

Was I afraid to let my kids see my excitement because I was leaving them? Was I afraid that others would become jealous? Was I afraid that my good fortune was taking something away from someone else? How could that be? None of it seemed to make sense.

Lizabeth and I finally sat down to discuss it and all that would come were tears. How could we be crying when we were so excited? Especially me, the one who rarely gets emotional about anything, much less something like this – something that couldn’t be explained.

The tears I saw in her brought new fears in me that she really didn’t want to do this. Maybe she’s doing it just because I want to do it. Later, she said she had some of the same fears about me.

Had we bitten off more than we could chew? Had we started a snowball that was rolling down hill and we couldn’t stop it anymore? Had we done something we would regret?

I was SO excited. And yet, I was SO afraid to let myself get excited. More tears came. For Lizabeth too.

We finally broke down and called my sister, Pat, who is a psych nurse and a wise woman when it comes to all things emotional. She is usually good at giving us good feedback when we explain exactly what’s going on and how we are feeling.

After discussing our current circumstances and feelings with Pat, she said, “Ohhhh, I get it! You guys don’t feel worthy to receive all this stuff you’ve been dreaming about! You just need to get over that and be excited. If you need permission to be excited, then you have it. Just be excited.”

“No, that can’t be it”, I said, “Of course we feel worthy to live our dreams. Why wouldn’t we feel worthy?”

But, she was right. I didn’t feel worthy to get everything I wanted. Why should I get to live my dreams when others were still stuck in things they didn’t want to do, jobs they didn’t want to have, or relationships they didn’t feel they could get away from?

In the past, when I began living my dreams, others would get jealous and the things I was doing or the things I was getting seemed to hurt them. I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone.

But, as soon as she said that we had permission to feel excitement, I felt excited. I did, for some strange reason, need to get permission to be excited. How stupid was that?

I realized that I was holding myself away from my dreams because I was afraid of what other’s might think. I was afraid to live my dreams because others would be jealous. I was afraid to live my dreams because others would feel bad because they weren’t living my dreams too.

Oh, there it was. This is MY dream, not there’s. Not everyone wants the same things I want. They may already be living their dream. But, even if they aren’t, I can’t live their dream for them, anymore than they can live mine for me.

The only way I can really help them live their dreams is to show them how I live my dreams. I can only show them, by example. My unhappiness shouldn’t help ANYONE else be more happy.

I had been taught to live my life for others – for their happiness, for their approval, for their comfort. Living my dreams might show them, by comparison, just how miserable they might be. That might be what had happened to me in my past, but it didn’t have to happen to me in my future.

Those who really love me will be happy for me. Even those who might be ‘hurt’ or ‘jealous’ will be better off in the long run. It might cause some to be uncomfortable, but being uncomfortable can sometimes be a great motivator. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to help others become uncomfortable.

I call it stirring the pot. Making people think. Making them question what they believe, what they are doing, how they are doing it, etc. Yes, that sometimes makes people uncomfortable, or even mad.

Most people don’t do well with change. Any change makes them step out of their comfort zone, which, by definition, makes them uncomfortable. But, with discomfort comes growth. Enough discomfort can be a wake-up call.

The big changes in our lives were certainly wake-up calls for us. It was pushing our buttons. Buttons we didn’t even realize we had. We felt unworthy for the big things we had manifested. It was rubbing up against our unworthiness buttons enough to push them hard.

We had to face that fact that we ARE worthy to get WHATEVER we may dream. There is no dream too big for our worthiness. We are worthy.

And if our dreams hurt others, then they may need to be hurt. They may need to be shoved out of their comfort zone.

What we found out though, was that very few people cared what we were doing. They weren’t thinking about us at all! They had their own shit going on. And none of it included us.

Those that did care hopefully learned from our example. I hope they saw the beauty in going for your dreams and the excitement that can bring.

We didn’t need permission to be excited, but we thought we did. We thought we needed someone’s permission to show the excitement because we didn’t want to gloat. All of that was going on and we didn’t even know it, because it was so engrained in our belief systems.

Even though it’s hard, I now welcome discomfort because it allows me to look at buttons I still have. I can then figure out which buttons I need to get rid of. When I don’t get uncomfortable, I keep the buttons. Comfortable feels good, but it may not help me grow. My goal is growth.

The tears came again, but they were tears of joy.

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