Running On Empty

firststeplizabethI have come a long way in a short amount of time. I chock it up to the commitment I made to my own personal transformation. I wanted to transform myself into the person I wanted to be. I have learned over the past several years however, that it hasn’t been a transformation. What I have been doing is uncovering the real me. I have been shedding the layers of protection, the layers of hurt and anger, the layers of comfort and the layers of unreal, to get to my core being. The true me lies inside, not outside of me. I cannot pickup the traits that I want from someone else, nor can I buy it off the rack in some store. It lies within me, dormant, until I dig through the garbage I have collected and uncover it. You know. The garbage of a lifetime that we all pick up and collect. The old victim roles, the unkind words, the regrets, the hurts, the moments that I cannot change but haven’t decided to let go of yet – yeah, that garbage.

I cannot readily see her yet. I see glimpses of what other people see occasionally, but I uncover a little more everyday. I live for the moments when I see her truly shine. It is usually in the moments when I would normally experience pain, heartache or regret. It is in those moments when the light within me shines so brightly that I can get a good look at her. Her beauty is amazing and one I want to see, often. I saw her again yesterday and I thought I would share the experience.

I was at the gym and part of the exercise was to run/jog 3 laps around the parking lot (1 mile). As I was halfway through the 2nd lap, a car pulled up next to me and the passenger rolled down her window. She was a fairly young girl, 19 or so if I had to guess. She was laughing, covering her mouth and pointing at me. She leaned out and yelled, “Girl, you are so fat you might as well give up!” I turned to look at her, smiled and kept on jogging. She laughed and her driver sped off.

I share this not looking for pity. I didn’t take it as a jab. I share it because it spurred me on. I know she meant it to harm but I have come a long way with how I see myself, so it didn’t hurt me like she intended. I share it to remind me that it is all energy and up to me how I allow it in. I can let it defeat me or allow it to quicken my steps.

I am thankful to the young lady for helping me pick up my pace. She also reminded me that I am doing this for me; not for little girls like her.

runlizabethYou see, I have discovered that I no longer need people to see me differently then they do. What I have discovered is that I see ME differently than they do. When that young lady offered her opinion, a rather loud one in a public place, but an opinion non-the-less, I felt no anger rise in me. I felt no need to defend my position. I felt nothing but the rise of the beauty that lies within. I felt my love rise to the the occasion. For in that moment, I saw the hurt little girl she is hiding. I saw the pain of the mask she is wearing and the little girl that felt the need to strike out and not feel so alone. I also saw the beauty that lies dormant within her. The one that longs to shine.

I see the beauty of the person that I truly am shine forth in the smile that spread so easily across my lips, in response to her words. My inner beauty has no need for people to think she is pretty or attractive. She has no need for people to see her peel away the outside layers, for she shines through them. She is confident and beautiful and courageous and wonderful. She knows who she is and it is enough to shine even in cloudy or stormy conditions. She is light and beauty – and she is the real me.

I have no need for you to see me in a certain way. I now am running on empty. I have unloaded the burdens that were dragging me down. I have shed the excess weight of being the victim, needing the sympathy, playing the martyr. I can proudly say that I am running on empty and full steam ahead. Thank you God.

lizabeth_1

Comments

  1. Linda Henson says:

    So-SO VERY WELL SAID! Thank you Lisabeth, THANK YOU!

  2. Stephanie Scott says:

    The first time I read this I wept, partly because of the light you DO Shine, partly because some of words and the emotions conveyed hit home. As the root of the word inspire means, you helped me breathe. By the second paragraph I realized my chest was tight and I my stomach uneasy. Once I took a couple of deep breaths and read on I wanted to applaud and say YOU GO GIRL !
    Recognizing your journey is internal seems huge. This reminds me of a song I love by India Arie (sp), Strength, Courage and Wisdom which has the line, “was inside of me all along”. The words which were kind of like triggers; mask, victim role, and martyr I personally am gaining so much insight into. Now I am catching myself operating this way and stop to ask myself what is pushing my buttons and how automatic I may react in this way. Years ago I had an astrology reading by someone a coworker recommended who I never met. It was a wonderful, thorough reading, yet I was defensive when he referred to me as someone who tended to be a martyr, behaving like a Mother Theresa, someone who often cares for others at a cost to themselves. While I believe Mother Theresa was an example of living by love, I knew what he meant. (Hate the word co-dependent too)
    An affirmation I now say to myself is I am a brilliant light of God, which originated at a time when I was feeling stupid, incompetent (with numbers in particular) and ashamed. While I know I am a child of God I was able to take it further to know I have Christ or spirit within me.
    Lizabeth in all honesty, you write well and are indeed a spiritual teacher. SHINE ON and THANK YOU !

    • Thank you Stephanie for your kind words. It is hard to believe that something so tremendously personal and insightful for me can speak to someone else. I am still trying to wrap my head around sharing so much. It is way out of my comfort zone!

      You are not only the light of God, you are (as Rev. Denise would say) where God shows up. That one spoke to me in so many ways! It helps me stay outside of my comfort zone and constantly growing inward towards my full potential. It is when we share so deeply, so intimately with one another that we can grow together!

      Thanks for sharing Stephanie!

  3. Your authenticity and willingness to share the journey are so inspiring, Lizabeth! Thank you!!!

Trackbacks

  1. New Habits – New Me | Fit To Be Over 40 says:

    […] Here is what I realized though. Here is the big aha that not only keeps me going back, it has hardened my resolve to the point where releasing this weight is my heart’s greatest desire. I didn’t waste those 8 months. I released the things that were holding me back that I could not see; those emotions, the addiction, the NEED to hang onto the weight. I DID drop a lot of weight but it cannot be seen on a scale or measured by the newest picture of my physical body. You can however, see it on my face. It lives in my smile and sometimes in my posture. I stand a little taller, I walk with more confidence and I allow it to shine forth even when others want to see me give up. (You can read more about that experience here http://ourprosperouslife.com/running-empty/2014/05/02). […]

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